Archive for September, 2008

Gothopotamus

Posted in Giggles on September 30, 2008 by naughtysecretary

VibeReview – Silver Bullet

Posted in Sex Toy Reviews with tags on September 28, 2008 by naughtysecretary

With my legs crossed and my laptop in front of me, I slid the small smooth bullet into the crux of my pants. My fingers moved over the control, the vibrations slowly hummed their way against my clitoris, a smile encased on my face…

There are three reasons I love the VibeReview Silver Bullet: Size, versatility, and affordability. I can’t honestly praise it enough.

I would like to start with the basics of the toy. It stands at just a 2.25 inches in length and one inch in diameter. Who would have thought something so small could pack such a punch? That means you can hide it away discreetly in a handbag, the lining of your underwear, or the console of your car. Whatever situation your devious mind could conjure, this little workhorse will be up for the task, and then some. The Bullet is also small enough that you won’t overwhelm yourself with direct sensation. Some larger toys are just too intense for us girls and our sensitive lady-parts.

This leads to the second reason I adore the Bullet. I can’t brag enough about the versatility of this toy. This is what makes the Bullet a keeper. The size of the toy gives the user so many options, whether you’re playing by yourself, or with a partner. The cute slider (in the form of a heart) lets you control the intensity of vibration, a feature many toys lack. I’ve found that sometimes the toys with 2 speeds have no comfortable variation. You’ve either got feather-soft, or jack-hammer hard. Not this bad boy. The slider makes finding a comfortable sensation very easy. Its also pretty hot when playing with a partner to hand over the slide control and let the teasing begin.

You can also use this toy for either direct clitoris stimulation or G-spot arousal. When I tried this toy I used it for both, and enjoyed both sensations completely. If playing with a partner, it can also be inserted anally while you get a nice royal fucking, your man enjoying the internal sensation as much as you. Look at all the suggestions I’ve given you! I told you, it’s versatile! When using it the first time I had wicked thoughts of sliding it into my pants, threading the controller through the sleeve of my shirt and going for a walk…

Today’s market is so flooded with toys I think many of us expect a good and reliable sex toy to burn a hole in our wallets. Not this faithful baby. At this price, you may as well buy a bunch as stocking-stuffers for your girlfriends in need, and revel in the smiles your gift will provide for a while to come. When I showed my best friend the link to The Bullet, raving about it to him, his response was “At that price, you may as well buy two!” And he’s right! This product is one of the most affordable you’ll find.

Convinced yet? Go take a look! This is my favorite toy so far, and I doubt you, my loyal readers, will be disappointed.

You Know You Are A Swinger When…

Posted in Giggles on September 27, 2008 by naughtysecretary

1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
2. Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by screen names.
3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.
4. You have over 100,000 frequent-flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
5. You know most of your friends’ names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don’t know their last names.
6. You go to a convention with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
7. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
8. You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way that your children can’t possibly sneak up on you.
9. You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.
10. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
11. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until Sunday afternoon…
12. You never open your garage door until you’re in the car with the doors closed.
13. Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
14. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
15. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
16. Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”
17. You have a strippers pole in the middle of your den.
18. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome.
19. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.
20. You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
21. You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is not “Playboy.”
22. The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.
23. You carry lube as often as lipstick.
24. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.
25. You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
26. The term “vanilla” isn’t just a flavor to you anymore.
27. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom…on your ceiling.
28. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.
29. You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
30. Your wedding reception has an after party.
31. You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
32. You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.
33. You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.
34. You’ve invited friends over and made porn.
35. You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s bare ass.
36. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
37. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the clothes on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.
38. Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.
39. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
40. You believe in Unicorns…because you’ve actually ridden one.
41. You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
42. You’ve taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; and it was on purpose.
43. You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend.
44. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed…and your guest bed…and your couch in the living room.
45. The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
46. You frequently use the term “friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.
47. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
48. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
49. You place a want ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”
50. You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of upholstery best repels semen stains.
51. The staff of Hedonism III sends you birthday cards.
52. You come home with that “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle.
53. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives.
54. In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.
55. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
56. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
57. You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
58. You’ve closed your e-mails with “Bi Bi”.
59. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created.
60. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.
61. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
62. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
63. The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
64. It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
65. You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
66. At your “normal” parties no one can go into the basement because you’re afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
67. You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
68. You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
69. You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
70. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and say, “OK, here’s how we know each other…”
71. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet access.
72. When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.
73. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: “That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much.”
74. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
75. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
76. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
77. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
78. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
79. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
80. You’ve handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation.
81. Your sexual fantasies never last very long…because they keep coming true!
82. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
83. You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
84. You buy lap dances for your wife…and vice versa.
85. You own a double-headed dildo.
86. You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
87. You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
88. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family.
89. After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.
90. You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.
91. Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
92. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period.
93. Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman’s perfume and it brings a smile to your face.
94. On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
95. You spend the whole week before your parents arrive calling all you friends telling them not to call your answering machine while your parents are in town.
96. You get really tired of not making it to McDonalds before they quit serving breakfast Sunday morning (on your way home).
97. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
98. You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
99. You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume.
100. If you are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you…

That’s a pretty good sign that you are a swinger!

Care of Kasidie, Online Lifestyle Magazine.

Spankings?

Posted in Lickable on September 25, 2008 by naughtysecretary

“Romance is an atmosphere, a feeling, a mood, a place, itโ€™s in the air. It is the little things – even a spanking every now and then! It is hard to define romance other than going with the cliches of a lake, a boat, a picnic basket and a sunset.” ~ Patrick Dempsey

I have a feeling he wouldn’t be into spankings as much if I managed to corner him. I adore a man who can wear a suit well…

A Grizzle On Feedback

Posted in Erotica with tags on September 23, 2008 by naughtysecretary

Alright, I have bitten my tongue long enough and now it’s time to rant.

Quite honestly, much thought and many hours go into each one of the pieces I write. I can’t just produce erotica like the hen laying the golden eggs (although, now I think about it, that would be a rather nifty trick). I’ve been looking at my numbers of late and wondering where all the comments/feedback have gone, and I’m quite stumped. At first I thought it was because the subject matter of my blog had shifted gear slightly, so I decided to focus more on my writing than anything else. I even turned down an offer by a UK television company in order to preserve the quality and content of my work. I still get three to four hundred hits a day, yet the comments on my work have basically disappeared.

I’ve been rolling this conundrum around in my head for about a week now. I’ve even discussed it with a few fellow bloggers. So, readers of mine, what’s the bloody deal?

A few peers have mentioned to me that it may be a moral issue. I couldn’t help but laugh, yet I agree this very well could be the case. Unfortunately in this day and age, sex is still seen as taboo. We, as a society, are taught from a very young age that this very subject is not something to be talked about freely. So let me guess. Some of you would feel dirty or sinful if you commented? Would that make you a participant, an instigator perhaps? Well, to that I say what a load of bollocks. If you are skulking about my site and feeling dirty for doing so, I doubt very much that adding an anonymous comment would increase that, right? Aren’t you going to hell anyway? (And before anyone jumps on my hiney about that, it was a joke…)

I can peek elsewhere and see the same issue. Just look at bestsexbloggers.com. That site is basically an adult wonderland – full of imagery, sex-toy reviews, tales of real-life debauchery, wicked and lustful fantasy. But look in the comments section. Do you see many? I thought not.

Another prime example would be Easily Aroused. In that very post he bids farewell, which I find incredibly sad because you wont find erotica out there to match his evocative and sensual style. He is an incredible writer, and as I looked at the comments that were left after he announced his departure from the blogosphere, I couldn’t help but notice how many of them included the sentiment “I don’t usually comment…” My question is this: Why not? Aren’t his beautiful words worth your twenty?

Maybe some of you are lazy? Quite honestly, if that’s the case, I’m wondering why you even have a pulse. I’ll be kind enough to give you a tip to try and rouse you out of your sloth-like state: type something and hit SUBMIT. There. Easy. Don’t you feel better?

My point is this: As a writer, I enjoy both negative and positive feedback on my work. I like to be challenged, I like flexing my creative muscles. I also like to know how my work is digested, what my audience would like to see me address, and what I truly suck at and could work on. This isn’t about ego stroking either. Trust me, my ego is large enough that I have some spare to hand out. This is about communication. Isn’t that the essence of writing? It isn’t a one way street. I love to pleasure people, and bring pleasure to people through my words. How can I do that if I have no idea what makes you tick?

So, dear readers, consider this a plea. Not just from me, but for any of your favorite sites or writers; Give us feedback! Yes, you lurkers! I demand you to delurk! After all of our hard work, the multitudes of dirty thoughts we have each day, and the numerous orgasms we provide to our specific audiences, I’d say we deserve it, don’t you?

My Junior Linguist

Posted in Giggles on September 21, 2008 by naughtysecretary

I sit down on the couch next to her long 5 year-old frame. I manage to steal her gaze from the television, and holding her dinner plate in front of me, I explain everything on the menu. I pick up a square piece of bread and look at her.

“Now, I know you like bread, and this one is special. It’s a bread from another country called Italy. Focaccia. Can you say that?”

She pauses, and with her big blue eyes sparkling at me, she declares a yes.

“I can say it, Focccc…accccc…iaaaa.”

I’m smiling at her when her facial expression immediately changes. Her own smile has been zapped away and she’s dead serious. I can almost see the small wheels turning in her head.

“Oh my gosh…I almost said FUCK!!!”

I burst into laughter and roll around in a fit of hysteria.

The Wicked Games We Play

Posted in Erotica with tags on September 15, 2008 by naughtysecretary

He’s standing in the kitchen, pacing back and forth while talking on the phone. My laptop has finally decided to give up altogether, and knowing my intolerance for people in general, he’s troubleshooting for me.ย My modern-day knight in shining armor, I think to myself, and I smile as I watch him. He catches my look and grins in return. I decide it’s time to reward him for his diligence and loyalty, and holding his stare, I run my hands down the front of my shirt and lightly tweak my nipples. I slip my hand into my pants and his smile broadens. I beckon him with my index finger, and he complies, walking behind me upstairs. I’m impressed at his ability to follow my instruction whilst never losing a beat in his conversation.

We reach the bedroom and he shuts the door behind me. I immediately strip down, all the while beaming shamelessly like a naughty imp. He stands by the dresser, his gaze firmly planted on the spectacle before him. I’m naked and spread open on the bed, my hands running over my stiff nipples, my belly and waist, down to the wetness between my legs. He answers a query while he unzips his pants, his rigid cock springing into view. He starts to run a hand down the length of his shaft, the other remaining on his phone while the technical talk continues.

I’m surprised myself at how aroused and slippery I am, and I surmise it has much to do with the shift in power between us. I’m in control this time, and he has to play by my rules. He steps closer to the bed, and I cover myself with the duvet, silently telling him to keep his distance. The moment he steps back, I slowly remove the covering and continue to play with myself, my nakedness in clear view. He continues to stroke his cock as I dip my fingers into my cunt and then into my mouth. I note that his facial expression has changed; he’s frustrated, and aroused, and at bay, a foreign notion to him. His pace has picked up, his hands moving over his prick in a steady rhythm. I watch in amusement as I continue to fuck myself on the bed.

I can’t help but revel in my control, low moans and gasps filling the air, audible enough to torture him, but soft enough for the invisible third party in the tryst not to hear. Suddenly I realize that his phone conversation is about to end, and looking at his face and his pulsing cock, I know I’m about to be torn apart in complete lust. The thought is enough to send a ripple of pleasure throughout my body, the sensation surging through my nipples and into my belly. Within a matter of seconds my wet cunt explodes, and I’m wriggling and writhing all over the bed, my climax sending me to somewhere new. I catch my breath as his phone snaps shut, and I squeal loudly as he reaches the bed. My head is spinning, my body aching when he grabs me by the back of my head, pushing me roughly down onto his warm cock. He comes almost instantly when he feels the heat of my mouth and the soft of my tongue completely wrap around him, and all I hear is him grunting and groaning in completion.

I look up at him, utterly satisfied with my mischief. I laugh as I lick my lips and savor the taste of his seed on my tongue.

Ahh, the wicked games we play.